Farewell to Toronto Thumbs
So Long Thumbs, and Thanks for all the Shit

By Seán O'Sullivan - March 19th, 2015

Sure. He looks nice enough…

When Sully submitted his piece, I felt…well…slighted. This horrible piece is full of lies and has been constructed to lead you, the readers, astray. Did he end up reviewing a number of not-so-good games? Possibly. But these games were given to him to keep him distracted from his true purpose – idle hands, and all that. While I will not change what he wrote, I offer my rebuttal in the captions of the photos that I have decided to use for this piece. You will see why I took the course of action that I did. – ed.

I arrived in Toronto in the fall of 2011 with no friends, no job, and no support structure. One night, at a bar, I met a man named Jorge who listened to an idea I had for a column, who told me he would happily publish my idea, and as many others as I could dream up. In payment for my services, I would be hooked up to the greatest drip-feed of shit games that a man can regret playing in a single lifetime.

Note the shifty, sidelong glance. I noticed this a few weeks after he started writing for Toronto Thumbs.

I played them all for Jorge. Shitty racing games. Shitty action games. Shitty real-time strategy games. After a while I developed a taste for the shit. Soon, he stopped force-feeding me the shit and would just dangle it in front of my nose to see how eagerly I’d snaffle it up. If a game failed to entertain me, I’d amuse myself with the review, where I would bemoan boss-designs that looked like prolapsed rectums, compare entire games to being kicked in the nuts, and used words like wretched, agonizing, and inadequate. I’ve gotten on soapboxes about broken apps and warned my readers that “I am almost irrationally invested in preventing you from opening your wallet”.

Soon after, the demonic glow of hell could be seen in his eyes. What would happen next?

There came a point where my spirit began to break – possibly the point at which I reviewed the single worst game on Xbox Live Arcade. My Double Dragon II: Wander Of The Dragons review was not such much a critique of the game in front of me, but rather a litany of the indignities it heaped upon me. When reviewing Dark, I chided the publisher for charging “Broadway prices for [the equivalent of] a middleschool play”. My reviews grew existential, as I cheered on protagonists as they fled the confines of their game worlds in bizarre glitches.

Without anything to occupy his mind, Sully took to the senseless murder of the innocents.Note, too, his lack of wardrobe variety.

And what did Jorge do throughout all this? He had a good ol’ chuckle. He’d throw in some funny captions and indulge me in making my goatse references so I could be happy that the full extent of my vitriol was only being edited for grammar. He may have realized that my love of videogames might have been tainted though – the AAA PS4 launch title Killzone: Shadow Fall came my way, and despite the 73/100 Metacritic rating, I pumped my bile at it and labelled it “excruciating”.

But now, looking back on it, do I have any regrets? You’re goddamn right I do!

I spent entire weekends grinding through games that I forgot existed until I consulted my list of contributions to Toronto Thumbs. Those are friends who didn’t see me. That’s exercise I didn’t get. My tenure at Thumbs has shoved me closer to the grave, and you ungrateful pricks didn’t even leave a comment to say thank you to the dead canary you left down in the coalmine.

Exhausted, his bloodlust sated, Sully rests. It was at that point that I engaged his mind with horrible games to keep you all safe.

But what have we learned from this journey together, friends pricks? It’s that bad games + angry writers with no social lives + no review scores = very emphatic expressions of consumer advocacy.

That, and indie-blogs are no more trustworthy than the bigger sites – they’ll totally take advantage of fresh immigrants who are just happy to have someone to talk to.

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    One response so far:
  2. By JCTango
    Posted on Mar 20, 2015

    I’m dying from laughter… LOL!

    :( when quickly realizing it’s getting closer to the end though

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