Toronto Thumbs

FLASH FOCUS
Adventures in Sex City

I don’t even know where to begin. Rocco Commisso sent me a link to this crazy game from the Middlesex-London Health Unit called Adventures in Sex City.

Actually “game” is a bit of a misnomer. It’s more like “somewhat animated trivia.” Still, as a connoisseur of the gaming medium, I couldn’t help but be interested. Players choose a character and then go on to battle against the evil Sperminator. He attacks by shooting giant, single sperm through his, er, arm cannon. If you answer a question correctly, you get to put up a shield and deflect it back. Get a question wrong, however, and you get nailed.

Either way, it’s pretty disgusting. Back in my day we learned our sex ed the old fashioned way – with black and white textbooks full of awkward yet horrifying illustrations. This takes things to a whole new terrifying level. I’m not going to lie: I did not finish this game. I am too fragile.

NOTE: this game has a better soundtrack than my textbooks ever had.

Posted in Awesome, Awful, Flash Focus | 4 Comments »

Microsoft Bends Consumers Over,
Reaches for the Garden Claw

Xbox 360 Wireless N Networking Adapter, pictured above beside a Garden Claw, has a suggested retail price of $99.99. Can you say “ouch?”

Looks like I’ll be rolling out the 50-foot Ethernet cable each time I want to take my Xbox 360 online. For those who feel they must get their Xbox LIVE on wirelessly, however, consider the Wireless-N Gaming Adapter from Mad Catz. It can be used on more than just the Xbox 360 and is sufficiently less painful to the finances. Plus, the instructional diagram of how it hooks up is kinda neat.

Posted in Awful, Xbox 360 | 9 Comments »

DRINKING AND DRIVING
The Gamer Way

At the recent Forza Motorsport 3 media event in Toronto, Raj Patel and I had the same great idea at the same time. Given that Microsoft Canada had set up two amazing racing cockpits and had provided free beer, we thought it would be pretty funny to stage some photos of me drinking while driving.

Turns out, I just look like a jackass, especially since I’m wearing my checkered “racing” toque. I’m like that dude who goes to see a band play while wearing a shirt of that band.

Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there: Drinking and driving is stupid.

Posted in Awful, Blah Blah Blog, Xbox 360 | No Comments »

This Is Me Playing Rock Band

On Saturday I went to a friend’s housewarming party and played Rock Band in public for the first time in, well, a few weeks. Only this time I didn’t look quite so ridiculous. This is me rocking out to “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” which is a song that needs no rocking out, to tell the truth.

Posted in Awesome, Awful, Blah Blah Blog, Pics | 4 Comments »

Raj Patel Has Lips, is Not Afraid to Use Them

Media events are dangerous to attend if you’re constantly worried about looking your best. With the plethora of cameras at every turn, chances are some unflattering photos of you will find their way online or on television.

Raj Patel, however, doesn’t have to worry about this. The technology and culture writer who contributes to both GeneralGames.ca and his own Ohmpage was caught singing “Lovefool” by The Cardigans by Xbox Canada’s camera crew. You can see and hear him flex his vocal prowess in this video for Lips Number One Hits that Xbox Canada released on YouTube earlier today.

Even though he doesn’t hit a lot of the notes, at least he looks like he’s having a good time. This, dear friends, is what it’s all about.

Posted in Awesome, Awful, News Bytes, Xbox 360 | 2 Comments »

FLASH FOCUS
Floater

Ever wanted to poke a corpse down a river, but couldn’t figure out the logistics of doing such a thing? There’s a lot to take into consideration. For instance, where would you stand? Either side of the river bank would be problematic in case you poked the corpse over to the other side. You could go for two-player co-op, but then you’d have to count on a friend to also be willing to poke a floating dead dude around all afternoon.

Thinking of such things can really tax your brain. Luckily, Adult Swim is doing their part to ensure we never have to over-think it. Their Flash game, Floater, is a simulation of poking a corpse down a river. You get points for hitting obstacles along the way, and you have a time limit, too. The object of the game is to score points by crashing into things and by travelling as far as possible. Trust me, this is more fun than the real deal, and a whole lot less stinky.

Play it now »

Posted in Awesome, Awful, Flash Focus, When Video Games Go Too Far | No Comments »

The Beatles Rock Band Details Emerge as Lennon and Harrison Roll In Graves

I hinted at this game in my news post about the announcement of SingStar Queen, and oddly enough the press releases for both that game and this one landed in my inbox today. The Beatles: Rock Band is something we’ve known was coming for months, and today the trinity of Harmonix, MTV Games, and Electronic Arts revealed details of just how they’re planning on raping the corpses of both John Lennon and George Harrison.

The Limited Edition Premium Bundle of the game will include the disc, a replica of Paul McCartney’s trademark bass, a Ludwig-branded drum controller, a microphone and mic stand, and additional “special content.” And the privilege of playing this game will be all yours for the low price of $249.99 US (expect a price point closer to $299.99 here in Canada).

If you’re wondering why I’m coming down so hard on this game while at the same time excited about SingStar Queen, let me put it this way: As much as I enjoy Rock Band at times, it’s a game with cheaply-made controllers, and asking gamers to pay $100 more for The Beatles version is disrespectful to the deceased members of the band (who would have certainly said “no” to this) as well as to the people who buy it. Then again, anything with The Beatles’ logo on it is guaranteed to sell, tasteless or not.

However, I’m all for new generations of music fans discovering the music of The Beatles – but how about actually discovering it by listening to it while poring over the details in the album cover art rather than consuming it? Wouldn’t that be nice.

This all brings to mind The Smiths’ “Paint a Vulgar Picture” from the album Strangeways, Here We Come. Here’s a video, and here are its lyrics.

Posted in Awful, News Bytes, PlayStation 3, Wii, Xbox 360 | 6 Comments »

DISTURBING THOUGHT OF THE DAY
We’re Pretty Sure This Isn’t Rufus’ Tattoo

Last weekend, my friend Peter and I spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out if the triangular mark on Rufus’ belly was a tattoo or if it was his glory trail. I was realy hoping it was a tattoo, but this screenshot from Street Fighter IV shows it’s obviously not. Gross.

For more serious coverage of Street Fighter IV, check out our in-depth review.

Posted in Awesome, Awful | 8 Comments »

Super Paper Mario: Mario Hamster

A few nights ago I tried to get back into playing Super Paper Mario, which I hadn’t previously finished. I started off from the beginning and got to Chapter 2-3, in which Mario “accidentally” breaks a vase and then has to pay it off in rubees. Mario’s currency of choice, the coin, is just not good enough so in this level players need to earn rubees.

There are a few ways to earn them. The first of which is a room where you hit spark blocks to generate energy, and you get one rubee for each time you hit a block. If you get 100 rubees, you can buy information from another prisoner/slave on how to get to a room where the rubees are earned much faster.

After going to that room and earning 10,000 rubees by RUNNING IN A HAMSTER WHEEL FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES, you can buy the password to the rubee vault from another prisoner. Once Mario steals all the rubees in the vault (and how ethical is that, really?), he pays off his debt and the chapter is closed.

Yes, I could have just gone online and searched for what the vault password was – but that wouldn’t be playing the game and getting the full experience out of it. And what one word sums up the experience of that level? Boring!

I nominate Chapter 2-3 of Super Paper Mario as one of the worst video game levels ever. What were the developers thinking? It was this level that made me turn off the Wii for the night.

Posted in Awful, Editorial, Wii | 7 Comments »

Shave My Head For A Shitty Game? No Thanks!

Possibly the most disturbing thing at PAX this year was the booth for Brother’s In Arms: Hell’s Highway. Well, not necessarily the booth but the pigheaded gang mentality of the people who actually lined up for as long as two hours to get a “Hellcut” so they can get a free copy of the game.

Perhaps I’m spoiled by getting review copies for the last few years - but I would also like to think that if I wasn’t in such a position, there’s no way in Hell (pun not intended) that I would waste two hours in a line to be able to put my name on a list to get a free $60 game I may not even like. And it wasn’t just haircuts these guys were getting - they were also getting the word “HELL” airbrushed to the back of their freshly-coiffed heads. Talk about humiliation factor. Some might think wasting two hours of your day to become a walking advertisement for something would be worth the price of the game - I respectfully disagree!

If you’ve ever seen a photo of me, then you’ll know that I have some crazy, oft out-of-control hair going on. At one point I walked by the booth for this game and a bunch of people pointed at me and were yelling for me to get in line. Yeah, right - I’ll join your big stupid frat party and bite into beer cans, too, guys. Also: how many fucking World War II games do we need? And why can’t anyone do it right? A real WWII game would have Americans join the game really late - like after you’ve been playing for four years already - and then it would end.

What I’m waiting for is the video game series that takes a stab at how British troops massacred Native Americans and took over their land. Preferably, it would be a game you can choose to fight as either side. Come on Ubisoft, there’s big money to be made in that one!

Posted in Awful, Commentary | 2 Comments »