Toronto Thumbs

Super Paper Mario: Mario Hamster

A few nights ago I tried to get back into playing Super Paper Mario, which I hadn’t previously finished. I started off from the beginning and got to Chapter 2-3, in which Mario “accidentally” breaks a vase and then has to pay it off in rubees. Mario’s currency of choice, the coin, is just not good enough so in this level players need to earn rubees.

There are a few ways to earn them. The first of which is a room where you hit spark blocks to generate energy, and you get one rubee for each time you hit a block. If you get 100 rubees, you can buy information from another prisoner/slave on how to get to a room where the rubees are earned much faster.

After going to that room and earning 10,000 rubees by RUNNING IN A HAMSTER WHEEL FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES, you can buy the password to the rubee vault from another prisoner. Once Mario steals all the rubees in the vault (and how ethical is that, really?), he pays off his debt and the chapter is closed.

Yes, I could have just gone online and searched for what the vault password was – but that wouldn’t be playing the game and getting the full experience out of it. And what one word sums up the experience of that level? Boring!

I nominate Chapter 2-3 of Super Paper Mario as one of the worst video game levels ever. What were the developers thinking? It was this level that made me turn off the Wii for the night.

Posted in Awful, Editorial, Wii | 7 Comments »

Shave My Head For A Shitty Game? No Thanks!

Possibly the most disturbing thing at PAX this year was the booth for Brother’s In Arms: Hell’s Highway. Well, not necessarily the booth but the pigheaded gang mentality of the people who actually lined up for as long as two hours to get a “Hellcut” so they can get a free copy of the game.

Perhaps I’m spoiled by getting review copies for the last few years – but I would also like to think that if I wasn’t in such a position, there’s no way in Hell (pun not intended) that I would waste two hours in a line to be able to put my name on a list to get a free $60 game I may not even like. And it wasn’t just haircuts these guys were getting – they were also getting the word “HELL” airbrushed to the back of their freshly-coiffed heads. Talk about humiliation factor. Some might think wasting two hours of your day to become a walking advertisement for something would be worth the price of the game – I respectfully disagree!

If you’ve ever seen a photo of me, then you’ll know that I have some crazy, oft out-of-control hair going on. At one point I walked by the booth for this game and a bunch of people pointed at me and were yelling for me to get in line. Yeah, right – I’ll join your big stupid frat party and bite into beer cans, too, guys. Also: how many fucking World War II games do we need? And why can’t anyone do it right? A real WWII game would have Americans join the game really late – like after you’ve been playing for four years already – and then it would end.

What I’m waiting for is the video game series that takes a stab at how British troops massacred Native Americans and took over their land. Preferably, it would be a game you can choose to fight as either side. Come on Ubisoft, there’s big money to be made in that one!

Posted in Awful, Commentary | 2 Comments »

Hooray for America
Top Gun Anthem Free for GH3

The worst movie theme song this side of “Spaceballs” will be available as free DLC for Guitar Hero III on July 3 to commemorate the American 4th of July holiday. It’ll be available for both Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 versions of the game.

From the official press release: The instrumental, guitar-heavy theme was immortalized in the hit film that inspired a generation of young men to awkwardly serenade women at bars, perform perfectly-timed “flipside” high fives and threaten to “buzz the tower.”

Say there, does your F-14 have air sickness bags?

Posted in Awful, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 | No Comments »