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Who Buys This Shit?
Jesus Hates Zombies, Lincoln Hates Werewolves

I know I was a little harsh on our friend Abraham Lincoln and his star-turn in Time Lincoln a few weeks back.

Recently, during my travels around the Internet, I came across a Lincoln-related comic that I could definitely see myself getting behind. It is perhaps the most interesting historical figure crossover comic ever produced: Jesus Hates Zombies featuring Lincoln Hates Werewolves. Here’s the publisher’s description:

“The zombie plague has swept across the Earth, and Jesus has been sent down to take care of it. Along with Laz, his loyal zombie sidekick, Jesus must unite the remaining humans to stand up and defeat the zombie menace. With a time-traveling Abraham Lincoln at his side, and a zombified Angel hot on their heels, can this mish-mash of heroes save humanity – or themselves?!”

I am concerned, however, with the historical inaccuracies of this book. Everyone knows that Jesus loves zombies. In fact, Jesus was a zombie himself! I was taught as much during my youth as a part of the Church of Zombie Christ. We learned all about the importance of feeding on the body, blood, and brains of our saviour so that we could unify as one large zombified army against the forces of evil. Of course, we didn’t have any of Jesus’ actual brains, so we substituted animal brains most of the time.

Before the RCMP burned our compound to the ground and seized all of our assets, we were quite busy preparing for the joy of the upcoming rapture and zombie apocalypse. Ah, those were the days!

Jesus Hates Zombies is the creation of writer Stephen Lindsay and artist Steve Cobb. From the preview pages I saw online, it looks like it would be a funny and entertaining read. Jesus has quite the chip on his shoulder and he is not afraid to show it! I will be ordering the book into my comic store, and you can do the same at your local shop.

Why does Lincoln always end up being a time traveler in comics? Is there something in his genetic makeup that makes him an ideal candidate? Personally, if I were Jesus and facing an army of zombies I would choose to partner with a dead president who had a little more combat experience, such as Ulysses S. Grant or Dwight Eisenhower.

In any event, I believe this book has definite “cool shit” potential. What do you think?

Posted in Awesome, Comics, Who Buys This Shit? | 4 Comments »

Who Buys This Shit?
Ludmilla Drago

Recently while cleaning out the Stadium Comics storage space hidden deep within the catacombs of Shoppers World Mall, I came across a nondescript cardboard box of contents unknown. My curiosity piqued, I brushed the thick layer of dust off of the box and opened it, unaware of the treasure that awaited me inside: A Ludmilla Drago action figure from the movie Rocky IV.

For those who grew up in my generation (the 1980s), Rocky IV is the only Rocky movie that matters. Sure, the original Rocky may have won a bunch of Academy Awards including one for Best Picture, but Rocky IV defined fight movies for years to come. Set during the height of the Cold War, it featured the classic “revenge” storyline, killer montages, and an awesome fight movie soundtrack. This formula has since been used many times over, especially in movies featuring Jean Claude Van Damme, such as Bloodsport and Kickboxer.

Ludmilla, played by Bridgitte Nielsen, was the strong woman behind Ivan Drago, the Soviet-engineered killing machine that was Rocky’s nemesis. This particular action figure is an accurate depiction of the character from the movie: drab grey outfit, stereotypical “strong 80s woman” hairstyle, and knee-high boots. The clothing is removable, and one might wonder just what lies underneath that iron curtain-like dress she’s wearing. I imagine a tattoo of a hammer and sickle or maybe the likeness of Josef Stalin somewhere on her rear end, but that’s just me.

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Posted in Awesome, Film, Who Buys This Shit? | 7 Comments »

Who Buys This Shit?
Time Lincoln

With practically every publisher on the planet putting out a comic with Obama on the cover, someone needed to come along and do something fresh, and outside of the box. Thankfully the fine folks at Antarctic Press have answered our prayers. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present to you: Time Lincoln.

Taken out of time on the night of his assassination by H.G. Wells’ Time machine, Abraham Lincoln finds himself waging war on the forces of evil in the past, present, and future!

I think Time Lincoln is poised to be one of the greatest superheroes to ever grace the printed page. I haven’t been this excited for ‘Honest Abe’ since he appeared in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and uttered those now infamous words, “Party on, dudes!”

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Posted in Comics, Who Buys This Shit? | 14 Comments »

Who Buys This Shit?
Atari Joystick Gum!

Welcome to this first installment of Who Buys This Shit?, a column where I report regularly on some of the really cool, as well as some of the incredibly awful, merchandise that’s available to me as a comic shop owner¹.

You may be asking yourself, “What right does a guy who owns a comic book store have posting his thoughts on a gaming website?”

It’s a legitimate question, and if I were asked it in person my immediate response would be, “When are you going to stop asking stupid questions and go to hell?” Seriously. There’s a lot of crossover right now between the comic and gaming worlds. Comic-based videogames are more successful than ever (ever hear of Batman: Arkham Asylum?), and it seems every major videogame release also has a comic series associated with it.

That said, let’s be positive here, and take a look at some really cool shit that we received this week: Atari Joystick Gum!

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Posted in Awesome, Comics, Who Buys This Shit? | 6 Comments »